It’s the middle of the night and I’m far too awake, nursing for what feels like the fiftieth time tonight. Little girl is eating a lot during the nights lately, which leads to little sleep. Little boy is still waking in the night but most of the time he climbs into the big bed with daddy, after coming in to see me.
We’ve been sleeping in different beds for my comfort – the guest bed is newer and flatter which makes nursing the baby easier. I also get more sleep here because I don’t have to be on high alert all the time. In the big bed it’s got grooves from years of sleeping in the same spot n wearing down the pillowtop, it forces the baby to be right up against me all night, and I’ve got to make sure she’s not getting to close to daddy’s side cause he tends to move far more in his sleep – I’ve caught the stray elbow to the head many, many times.
It feels a little weird but, again, it makes things easier on me which is one of few things I put myself first on. Which to be honest is kind of in the interest of all the other members of my household since nobody wants angry cranky mommy.
People seem to think that I’d get more sleep if I didn’t co-sleep. I think they’re crazy. I don’t regret one minute I’ve co-slept. Not one. When they’re little, it’s just easier to not have to get out of bed, to just pop a boob in their face and let them nurse back to sleep while only ever half waking up. I sleep better when they’re right here next to me. Even the few times I’ve gotten to try and nap without a baby next to me, I can’t really sleep, I end up just resting. More accurately trying to rest. Mom brain kicks in and I worry about how my kids are doing without me, no matter how much I trust whoever is watching them.
I’m tired, but I don’t regret it. I love these little personalities I’ve brought into the world. I’m happy to teach them every day, happy to give them my time, love, and attention. Sure. It gets exhausting and sometimes I get selfishly annoyed at having to put down what I want to do to go play blocks or peek-a-boo for the 500th time, but I wouldn’t give those moments up.
For now I use whatever time I can in between caring for them to play games or do hobbies. And I remind myself the day well come all too soon when I’ll have plenty of time again and I’ll be the one asking them to pay attention to me.