Since I’m just being me as a streamer, not some sort of personality, it would make sense that this place reflects that truth and therefore you should expect to see all sorts of different types of posts. Most of my time is spent being a mom and wife, so you could expect to see quite a few posts to do with just daily family life or milestones. I intend to do a fair bit of reviews for games, products I’m using, and books to throw into the mix and there will, naturally, be quite a few posts to do with streaming – my personal thoughts on related topics, struggles, how-tos, featuring other streamers, etc. And because I’m me… there may be a few rants thrown in for good measure. Maybe. Probably. You were warned.
It’s the middle of the night and I’m far too awake, nursing for what feels like the fiftieth time tonight. Little girl is eating a lot during the nights lately, which leads to little sleep. Little boy is still waking in the night but most of the time he climbs into the big bed with daddy, after coming in to see me.
We’ve been sleeping in different beds for my comfort – the guest bed is newer and flatter which makes nursing the baby easier. I also get more sleep here because I don’t have to be on high alert all the time. In the big bed it’s got grooves from years of sleeping in the same spot n wearing down the pillowtop, it forces the baby to be right up against me all night, and I’ve got to make sure she’s not getting to close to daddy’s side cause he tends to move far more in his sleep – I’ve caught the stray elbow to the head many, many times.
It feels a little weird but, again, it makes things easier on me which is one of few things I put myself first on. Which to be honest is kind of in the interest of all the other members of my household since nobody wants angry cranky mommy.
People seem to think that I’d get more sleep if I didn’t co-sleep. I think they’re crazy. I don’t regret one minute I’ve co-slept. Not one. When they’re little, it’s just easier to not have to get out of bed, to just pop a boob in their face and let them nurse back to sleep while only ever half waking up. I sleep better when they’re right here next to me. Even the few times I’ve gotten to try and nap without a baby next to me, I can’t really sleep, I end up just resting. More accurately trying to rest. Mom brain kicks in and I worry about how my kids are doing without me, no matter how much I trust whoever is watching them.
I’m tired, but I don’t regret it. I love these little personalities I’ve brought into the world. I’m happy to teach them every day, happy to give them my time, love, and attention. Sure. It gets exhausting and sometimes I get selfishly annoyed at having to put down what I want to do to go play blocks or peek-a-boo for the 500th time, but I wouldn’t give those moments up.
For now I use whatever time I can in between caring for them to play games or do hobbies. And I remind myself the day well come all too soon when I’ll have plenty of time again and I’ll be the one asking them to pay attention to me.
In the years I’ve been active on Twitch I’ve become a member of different communities built by some of my favorite streamers. I’ve become a mod in several of them, some I’m just color commentary, and some I’m just a well known lurker. Most of them have come and gone, people migrating to Beam/Mixer or just no longer streaming, some I’ve just moved on from. But earlier this year I stumbled into a new community that I’ve really come to enjoy and make friends in.
If you have me on Twitter you’ll have noticed that I’ve been hanging out in TheMommyGamers channel a lot. I’m there for every stream, whether it’s for 5 minutes or the entire cast. I’ve acquired a ban hammer there and a lot of new friends. I’m even more active in their Discord than I am my own!
As the name would suggest, it’s a community of mostly parents who are gamers and run by a few moms. They have a website, a podcast, YouTube and Twitch. I’ve been reading, listening, and watching since January. I’m supporting by being both a Patron (via Patreon) and a Twitch subscriber (the first one in fact!). But more importantly I’m participating.
I mentioned being a mod, though I don’t have to do much of it. I participate through being very active in chat when the stream is live, chatting in Discord when it’s offline, and playing on days when there’s multiplayer action available.
None of the above is normal behavior for me really. A lot of my Twitch experience as a viewer has been to randomly chat in small bursts – which is kinda a reflection of how I interact in groups offline. I’m an observer. A hardcore introvert. Someone who was once extremely shy and socially anxious. So it’s still surprising me every day when I’m actively reaching out to make connections with people in our little community. I actually care about this one.
And it seems to have started spreading. While I don’t have time to dedicate myself to multiple communities like I do to TheMommyGamers, I have noticed that I’m much more vocal in other streams now. And it’s improving the overall Twitch experience and makes me happy. Plus it’s really going to help me one I finally get back to streaming for building up my own community.
More than anything I’m really glad to be making new friends of a different type. The people I’ve connected with most in this new community are more my age group, fellow parents, and generally just really down to earth, no bullshit drama individuals. And that’s exactly who I need around me at this stage of life.
Gone are the days of dealing with other people’s petty problems or drama causing antics. I haven’t the time nor energy to even entertain that anymore. It’s not worth all the hassle. I’ve grown up a lot over the last few years of being a mom and having another baby is just adding to my need to streamline life – cutting out every little piece that doesn’t give me some sort of advantage or happiness. It’s a slow process but I’m getting better at recognizing what can stay and what needs to go the way of the dodo.
And with my new supportive group of friends I’m even more confident the life ahead of me is going to be everything I can make of it. Just might take a little while to make it truly great. And that’s okay.
I finally had my little bundle of cries and coos 3 days after I posted the last entry. She was comfy in the womb 42 weeks and 1 day, 5 days short of how long her brother was in there. Good thing I’m not having any more babies because I don’t think I’d want to see how long the third would stay in there! Her name is Kaylee Devera, after two of my favorite characters – one from Firefly and one from my favorite book series (Taltos by Steven Brust). She’s beautiful and doing great. She was a whoppin’ 9lbs at birth and has since gained about a pound and a half. Everyone is adjusting slowly and trying to find our new normal.
We stayed with family for several days after she was born, celebrated our birthday, and then took two days to leisurely make our way back down home where we found some downed trees in our backyard but no other damage from the hurricane really. The management company got people out here to clean that up and fix the fence, and other than a big stump that still needs to be removed the backyards in good and usable shape (and we’ll hopefully be using it much more as the weather starts cooling off). I’m glad nothing else got damaged and we were able to avoid having to deal with the mess associated with insurance claims and whatnot.
Sleeps been hard to come by as you could imagine with a new baby and a confused toddler. All the changes and activity between going to see family, having the baby, coming back here, my husband returning to work — I’m actually pretty impressed with how well the kid’s handled everything. He’s been acting out a little but I think that’s really just more due to his normal development than the changes, though I won’t say it’s had no effect obviously it has. He’s had issues sleeping through the night and has needed more validation of his existence, constantly seeking attention and confirmation when he speaks. It can be trying on one’s patience but I understand his needs and try to meet them.
Luckily baby girl hasn’t been too hellacious and I’ve gotten to spend time with her brother every day, which is probably why he’s not acting worse. He had daddy and grandparents to play with when she first got here, then me and daddy, and now mostly back to just me most of the time so there was time to ease him into the transition. Had we been here with no family to help, things wouldn’t have gone so smoothly I’m sure. I’m definitely thankful for that.
I’m adjusting to juggling a newborn and a soon to be 3 year old. It’s definitely physical, mental, and emotional exercise daily. My ‘infinite patience’ is shining through! Between the lack of sleep, the constant nursing, and all the toddler wrangling I’m amazed if anything gets done and if I have any energy left to do anything – hell even as simple as sitting her blogging is a rarity. I have gotten to play games and make myself food, worked a little on my bullet journal (barely scratched the surface so far), and I’ve been using my nursing time to listen to audiobooks whenever possible. So at least there’s that. And taking care of my babies is never a bad thing – exhausting yes, but I love the time I get to spend with them.
As time goes on I’ll get to make time for other things I want to do – like streaming, coding, crafting, etc. And I’m still planning to participate in #NaNoWriMo, I just really need to get my butt in gear and do some #preptober stuff so I’m not so overwhelmed come Nov first!
So… clean install huh? Guess I should give a quick update of what’s been up and then jump into the present.
I moved across the country from San Diego, CA to Jacksonville, FL. We road-tripped it at 30+ weeks pregnant with a 2.5yr old boy. It was… an experience. Lots of ups and some downs. We got to visit family in both Texas and Tennessee, see the Grand Canyon, and didn’t have any car trouble so overall it was a big success (especially since everyone, including the cat, made it through unscathed). We only spent a few days in a hotel before we were able to find a car to purchase and a house to rent – I’m getting pretty good at finding housing quickly. Within a week of being in the new house we had all of our stuff delivered and half put away. We’ve got a couple of random boxes lingering throughout the house but for the last two months it’s been pretty livable and we’re enjoying the property. It was the right price, right square footage, and has a massive backyard that we’re slowly making more and more use of (it’ll be easier when the temperature no long makes me wanna kill myself the moment I step outside). Everyone’s gotten used to our new home pretty easily, which I’m very thankful for.
That pretty much brings us to the last few weeks. We got told to evacuate during Hurricane Irma because I was already past my due date and we didn’t want to risk not being able to get to the hospital I was being seen at. So we trekked up here to Tennessee to stay with family. And here we’ve remained since then! For those out of the loop I’m pregnant with a little girl who seems as determined as her brother to stay in the womb as long as possible. Since before we arrived I’ve been going through prodromal labor – where my contractions are start and stop over weeks but have yet to lead to actual labor. It’s obnoxious. My son didn’t do it to me as long as this girl is however. With him I just seemed to be in labor forever – 43 hours from the first cluster of stronger contractions till he was born. To put that in perspective, I started labor with him on Thursday morning and gave birth in the wee hours of Saturday morning. That’s a long ass time to be in spine ripping pain guys. But this lil brat (yep, I’m calling her a brat already)… she’s been in position to be birthed since week 29… it’s now just days shy of week 42 and she’s very stubbornly not coming out.
Only saving grace about this situation is that I’m making progress. I’m already 5cm along and she’s still healthy and active. Most people would have induced already but it’s not something I believe in doing unless medically necessary (a rant for a different blog post), though I’ll admit at this point it’s tempting just to stop being in constant discomfort. I’m happy we’re able to be with family and that the hospital here that I’m being seen at is really good so I’m actually looking forward to giving birth here in comparison to the one at home which was perfectly fine but nothing to write home about. My son is surely enjoying his time with his grandparents as well, which takes a lil bit of the load off my shoulders prepping to birth baby and after baby comes home.
I’m not looking forward to the drive home with a newborn though… let’s not go there…
For now we continue waiting and doing the baby dance to try and get this darn baby out. Wish me luck eh?